Back and forth, to and fro, down the winding roads of rural North Carolina – I drove home from a solo trip to the grocery store. Nothing but the sound of the car engine humming and the cicadas buzzing loudly.
Overstimulation was something I thought only young children suffered, but as I spend more time in self reflection, I learn that overwhelmed moms who have stuffed their pain suffer from it too.
So my husband breathes life into me by suggesting a trip to town alone where I can turn the radio off, put the house chores and to-do list away and smile eagerly up to my Heavenly Father in anticipation of hearing his voice. Car rides have been a favorite of mine since I first held that shiny new license at the adventurous age of 16.
I had been wrestling with the number 4 over the previous weeks, feeling unsure how that could relate to the number of children I had waiting at home. Being a mother to 3 children has been a gift I never even knew I wanted. Something that brings me unending joy and a newfound connection with the world around me. Was the Lord asking us to foster our adopt? Would we mentor a child or grow close to a neighbor? Why was God drawing my attention to 4?
As if my right foot and heart strings were attached, together they came to a halting stop. Our driveway, the refuge I needed to finally see and let go. God wanted to heal my heart and reassure me that he held my sweet babe in his loving arms and that I do, indeed, have 4 children. One waiting for me in a place where pain has no stay.
And that was the first time I soberly thought about my Abortion in over 10 years. Ten deep, dark years full of clumsy attempts to numb the pain…..suddenly brought to a halt.
Mama Knows Mess 